To my cacti friends, this is sincerely difficult for us because it means showing and sharing the cracks in our armor or the places our spines cannot quite protect. This is also what makes us human. Beautifully and wonderfully flawed humans. Everyone is. Some may even say pearl-like in beauty and rarity, but today we are still learning how to be Cacti. Learning to embrace the prickliness and talk about the real stuff. There have been times on this earth for me that have been unkind and unrelenting. And I suspect you can relate. I’ve learned how to survive in spite of it and you can too. It all starts with the same vow to yourself: vulnerability.
Come along, this is your safe space.
Our response to the unpleasant has given way to the attitude that showing the places that are raw and unpretty is bad and undesirable. I would argue against that and say the art of imperfection is undeniably more interesting and lovely than any other quality. Just like a cactus spine, it exists to give new life to the plant. Our spines give us new life once we learn to leverage them for our greatest mission: love others. And in order to love others…we must first, learn to love ourselves well.
One of the most important ways we can love ourselves and all our imperfections is to acknowledge four significant lessons to be learned: what we love, what we can change, what we can live with, and what we can lay down.
What we love
Do not be afraid to celebrate the beautiful and wonderful things about you. There are dozens of things I can rattle off at any time to a stranger about things I admire about them. Can you do that for yourself? Can you easily access the things that you love?
Grab a pencil/pen. Grab a notebook. Write 3 things that you love about yourself. Now tear that out of the notebook and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Repeat those things each time you look in the mirror. Yes, aloud. Your family already knows you’re weird. We’ve already covered our cacti weirdness and it is the thing that draws people too us! Watch out here come the weirdos! Step into that sunshine today, my prickly friend. But seriously, write down those three things and begin to talk to yourself like the cactus god/goddess you are.
No one can show up more consistently for you…than you. Makes sense, huh?
What we can change
I don’t love that one little back hair. I can change that and I often do once I feel it blow in the wind. (Insert Googly eyed emoji). I don’t love the way that eating ice cream makes me feel. I was not blessed with a stomach of steel to process that deliciousness so I choose not to indulge. Some of you can probably relate. I don’t love the extra weight I’ve been putting on from all the things necessary to get me back in the fight. Some of it is mindset and some of it is physical appearance related. Like all things it is taking a little time. First things first, I can honor my body and honor my mind at the same time. I can honor both. I can choose gratitude and embrace the spines and everything that comes with it. It is taking some getting used too, but I am thankful.. You, too, can reclaim your life after horrible circumstances. When you’ve fought back from a tight space in life, you learn to see things from a much broader perspective.
Back to the weight thing, I can choose better food choices. I can choose to work out differently. I can choose to rearrange my schedule to do the things that I need to do to facilitate that change. Please everyone who is crusty don’t comment about my weight. My candied side will dissolve quickly. We all have our things. I will let you have yours, you must let me have mine. Comprehendo? Enough about that. I’ve got issues. You got ‘em toooooo……
One thing that does not waver in the arena of addressing what we can change is that it
takes a nasty word: commitment. In other words, YOU HAVE TO BUY IN. This may not be monetarily in your situation, but first, you must mentally check in and decide what is worth your time. This is something that we can find ourselves phobic of. We don’t like something? We want it to change. We are willing to pay hard-earned money but what we are not willing to do is be accountable to ourselves for the change we want to see. Hear me, sweet friends, I’m not bashing you. Commitment phobia is a thing. A very real thing. But what if we decided that it wasn’t commitment that we were afraid of but change and we were really phobic about being held accountable. That accountability is not to me for you. It is by you and for you. Your time to shine is just beyond the scary things of change and accountability. This could be the paradigm shift that you needed to see things a bit differently. You don’t like (_______). You need to do X,Y, or Z to correct it. Can you commit? Yes. Will you follow through…only you can answer that.
After all you are the only one who stands to lose footing by not pushing through to acknowledging what you can change. You’ve got two choices to pick from: do something, do nothing. Deciding whether you will just stay here in your pot - broken, sad, thirsty, out of shape, not feeling your best or get out of the damn pot and find a space to plant your roots in new soil that nourishes you and your lovely spines. It is your choice. If I told you that greatness or relief was on the other side of the hard things, like fear of commitment and accountability phobia…Would you move forward? Would you agree that change is not so bad? Could you find the word accountable in your mind in the say yes column? Stop making excuses. I love you. But stop.
You know what they say about the pot?
What we can live with
I don’t love my long forehead however I am thankful for the way it protects my (big, smart) brain. I can live with this. I can live with the way my hair is just going to be wavy and unruly. I can’t change my genetics or the fact that my ovaries suck. My personality has always been bigger than my physical body. I can live with these things.
We have two choices: scarcity or abundance mindfulness. We all have the same opportunity to dwell in the scarcity of what we don’t have rather than what we do. If we hang out there for long the critical eye or sharp tongue that we have may have done a whole lot of damage to whoever happens to be close. This can cause irreparable sets of dysfunctional responses and can keep us in a cycle that is crusty and very un-candy like. This is going to cause the freeze trauma response and leave us stuck, literally, in the mud of life.
Or, we can choose abundance. Being abundantly minded is a chance in which we get to do something that builds us and others up daily. Think of it this way; you get to choose to believe that there is space for you in every situation. It is a practice. Practice does not make perfect but damn close. I am not about to tell you to keep a gratitude journal unless that is up your alley, in which case that is a phenomenal way to create perspective. This mindset will reset our minds and get us ready to unfreeze and thaw out and get ready for movement and action. When we start to live in a place of gratitude and abundance we can’t help but have a greater respect for all the ways we are, in the words of my Grandy, might-y fine.
What we can lay down
This means put it down for real. For real. When we realize it is something we can’t change, we begin the process of acceptance. Now this can be a hard one for those of us who have experienced of exorbitant loss. Trauma survivors go through immense shame, guilt, and doubt. It can be disorienting to even consider laying down your heart and walking away from it. It simply does not feel possible. I promise you that you can survive this even if it feels like I might be lying to you just to make myself feel better. I wouldn’t do that. Remember candied cacti are great nurturers and we love the care-taker role. You will be okay even if you have just recently laid your heart down and walked away. It still finds a way to beat for you.
Laying down that experience, person, situation can oftentimes feel dishonoring to the memories that we do hold dear. Moving forward is our only option and as painful as it is, not all people, places, or things were meant to go with us. Moving on can feel like you are abandoning your precious memory of something that was yours, is yours alone. It can feel like forgetting. This is not what I am speaking of.
Forgetting and Remembering are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to remember to forget. Forgetting to remember is not bad either. Sometimes our minds do the hard work of cutting out what is not meant for us to hold onto. And equally excruciating - sometimes it doesn’t. Bottom Line: Acceptance does not mean you remember more or forget less. And you sure as heck won’t forget more and remember less by accepting. You are simply accepting the things you can’t change. As cliché as it may sound, the Serenity Prayer is very relevant to us as trauma survivors.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Some things make sense. Some things don’t. Some things just are. But never underestimate what you are learning along the way. Anyone who says everything happens for a reason has never truly understood the suffering of someone who can’t make sense of their worst nightmare coming true. I would say extend grace to them for their ignorance. You know, oh honey, bless their hearts.
How to put this into action
Some days you may only be able to mutter Accept, Courage, and Wisdom. You may not be able to fully access the actions necessary to do all three at once. But you can start at Step One.
Step 1: Accepting what you cannot change. Pearls are rare. You are beautiful and unmatched and absolutely on purpose.
Step 2. Taking courage to change what you can. (Excuses be damned). Cactus, saddle up. We ride at dawn. This is what sets us apart.
Step 3. The wisdom and discernment to know the difference between what you can can change and what you have to live with. Honeysuckle, it can be deceiving. Just like our minds, sweet and delicate but invasively brutal when unkempt.
I hope this step by step plan really sets you free. You are on the precipice of something great if you are brave enough to step into the light. You have what you need. Now take what you deserve, sweet honey bee.
Natalie Blackmon, M.S. Human Development and Leadership
Trauma Informed Yoga Instructor
Editor Credits: Becky Simmons
Graphic Source: The Multiplier Mindset Blog www.strategiccoach.com
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