It might be you and me, friend.
Hello again. I’m glad you came back. In my previous blog entry we explored just how “cacti-like” you and I are and why it’s cool to be part of the Cacti Tribe. If you haven’t realized by now, this tribes members are a little rough around the edges…literally. The
Cacti Tribe has a very exclusive membership. It is a club that absolutely no one wants to be a part of, but anyone can be a member. It is a club of survivors and your dues are living through unimaginable circumstances. The Membership committee, sadly, is always looking for new enrollees and it can happen when you least expect it. I warned you that I would pull no punches and I aim to be true to my words. So let's proceed.
We’ve got a little bit of ground work to be done so that we can tell if we are nourishing our cacti selves with the proper fertilizer. This fertilizer looks like the information we see and believe and what we allow our bodies to consume from tv to books to podcasts. You get what I'm saying, right? Feeding our bodies things which are not helpful to us can absolutely do tons of damage, unknowingly. Check your fertilizer, friends.
If we don’t properly care for or truly understand our spines, we tend to want to prune those suckers right off or ignore them all together. Secretly hoping they go away or magically sprout into a flower. But let me be clear, that won’t happen…not even the slightest chance, dear one. But we CAN take these spines and learn how to care for them in a way that can change our lives and in the end these spines will serve you better than a flower. I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘Who would choose a spine over a flower?’. Me, I would! And my hope is that over time, you will too. Because the spines were grown out of a place of wisdom and perspective; even though it sucked pretty bad at the time.
Flowers. They are deceivers. But we will get to that in good time.
Trauma defined.
We all have an idea of what trauma is; a bad experience that forms and shapes us. It sets up shop within our brains and our bones and sits there and waits and waits and waits. Sometimes it bubbles up all at once and sometimes it is a gradual shift like a tide coming in. Either way, it is unpleasant. It is something that we must learn to own. It is personal to each of us.
We occasionally (or always), play the comparison game. Well meaning comments such as “Well at least it isn’t as bad as”…are not helpful. Can I get an AMEN from all my Southern Baptist folks? Stop saying crap like this. It makes no difference to me what would make it worse or better for me at that moment. It just is. And it hurts and I need someone to protect me, in that moment, not try to 'compare me' into feeling better.
NO ONE. (clap) NO ONE. (clap) NO ONE gets to choose what is traumatic to and for you. Only we can define what is traumatic for ourselves. Just like no one gets to choose how we respond to that trauma. And the habit of comparison need not apply to trauma. Don’t do it. It isn’t a competition. If it were, it would be the worst kind.
Walk with me. If you lined up a group of 15 individuals and they told their story one by one, each one may have a common trauma, but everyone responds differently. Uniquely. What affects one, may not affect the other. If you don’t respond to a particular traumatic stimuli the way the person next to you does, it doesn’t mean you are broken. It just means that your brain didn’t go into the trauma mode of trying to figure out what to do next. And in an effort to keep us upright and functioning, the brain begins to shut off the unnecessary parts during this time for survival, hence the trauma responses we experience. At face value, this isn’t a bad thing. It is only negatively impacting if the brain never resets or we allow the trauma to set up shop in our bodies. This leads to biological changes in the brain, body, and potential mental wellness concerns in the long run.
Trust me. I've got a story. I'm about to share some of that big-sister advice.
Boundaries.
Yup, here we are. You may be cringing, but I am asking you to step into this territory as this is paramount to understanding and embracing the spines you’ve sprouted. Here is where things get super complicated. I’d love to say this is where I teach you to say ‘NO’, but it isn’t that simple. ‘No’ is a great word and ‘No’ is a necessary word. But we don’t always have access to that word, the way that we would like as trauma survivors.
Some things we absolutely know about trauma - and surviving - is that boundaries become blurry. We either become super rigid and inflexible, in an effort to control what we can. Or, we lay down and act as a doormat for anyone who might need to wipe their feet on us. You see we have 4 general responses to bad experiences/trauma: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn. In other words, we come out swinging at any and everyone. We retreat into a place we can control. We play like a statue and get stuck. Or, we become a meek little newborn deer.
Keep in mind that none of them are wrong. Where do you find that you fall in this list of possible responses? I don’t want to brag but I am a hybrid. I am a Fight, Flight, and
Fawn-er. These are my preferred responses. I am a professional retreater and then lean a little toward fawning. I disappear. Understanding these responses can help you embrace your spines that you’ve sprouted and help you understand your body’s response and mind’s preferred reaction.
This is a big pill. Swallow it.
If you didn’t catch the 1st blog, you should go back and catch up. There was a section where I wrote about how you know if you are a cactus. I did not make those up with a laugh in my mind. I mean some of them are funny! I realize that. However, I was the inspiration for every last (damn) one. Truth…and sometimes it stings. But I made a pledge when I started writing this that I would do one thing every time I wrote to you…Tell. The. Truth. Without fail, I vow vulnerability because you see my spines demand it. They are who I am. I want us to spend a little time getting to know our spines, loving them as part of us and finding a way that they can work with us, for the greatest good.
Your greater good.
Cactus Spine defined
You never met a challenge you did not want to achieve, crush, conquer, etc. I legitimately, am a #1 top strength achiever. Honest to goodness, I can’t make this up. It absolutely spotlights my misguided theory for handling my trauma: CRUSH it. Smush it down, grind it to bits, kick it around, let the dust settle and forget about it. Call it a day. Call it handled. Call it healed. Until a strong wind blows through that (in the words of my therapist) lights me up (not in a good way) and those bits materialize out of nowhere. And, BAM I’m faced with my very demons masked in all kinds of complicated emotions and thoughts.
Is this sounding familiar? You following? Need an example? I thought you might.
I am a trauma survivor of violence in a couple respects. One day I’ll share exactly what this looks like but for now I don’t want to muddy the waters with experiences but, instead, with truths. They are very different concepts. I was first exposed as an adolescent to extreme violence with very final conclusions. It completely desensitized me to what I watched on tv, read throughout my career as a solutions provider, and conversations about the same horrifying details which was someone’s experience.
As a result of my trauma, I became comfortable with everyone else’s discomfort. It shut off certain parts of me that I needed to form healthy connections and relationships. I, subsequently, chose a career path that gave me a front row seat to the worst days of my clients life. I had no clue the toll it was taking on me day-in and day-out until the tide finally came in and I needed to do some work for me. Prioritizing myself in a way I never had. In a way that was beyond what I could do while still exposing myself to the same stimuli. Be cognizant of the things you allow your eyes to see and ears to hear, it makes a difference. Back to the fertilizer analogy, choose wisely.
You might stink, at first. It is okay.
When I finally focused on me, myself and I, it led me to the path I am choosing now. Healing, recovery, and setting some boundaries. Good boundaries that will keep me healthy. Taking the damn pill (I now know that I need) will keep me healthy. Being my own staunchest advocate will keep me healthy. Being in therapy and doing the work with a qualified professional will keep me healthy. Being okay knowing that I will survive the imperfect disaster of a dumpster fire that has been my life at times will keep me healthy. Being clear about my newfound boundaries because they are best for me will keep me healthy. Being okay with those who come and go because I’m too -fill in the blank- (whatever your own personal label that sticks to you like a hair in bacon) and letting them go will keep me healthy. You see, it isn’t perfect and it is hard. But I am worth it and you are too.
Those boundaries are not easy to set and the healing and recovery part, ugh, don’t get me started. Worth it. But hard, so hard. I’ve never worked so hard to come back to myself in ALL my life. Whoever said the hardest things are worth fighting for…was right. Notice they didn’t say easy…not once.
All of the hard to deal with, amazing, big emotions, and prickliness; I am all of it and it is me and it is okay. It doesn’t mean we get to choose to remain sick, perpetually broken, stuck in our grief, lost in the overwhelming bigness of all the things. It does mean we get to give ourselves grace in tough moments and seasons and on the mountaintops too. The same kind of grace we give to others is available to us as individuals. That grace is not for me alone. It is for you too. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. If you aren’t kind to others, well, maybe you can't yet call yourself a Candied Cactus. You will get there, just keep moving toward healing.
Learning a new normal is the first step. You can’t undo what has been done but you can agree that, although bruised, you aren’t beaten. You are worth getting up for, doing the hard things, sitting in the stink of it all, and knowing that one day (a little at a time) that dark cloud lifts and things get a little less heavy.
You won’t stink for long.
The best fertilizer ALWAYS smells the worst. Don’t be afraid to sit in the stink. Let things marinate.
Allow yourself the luxury of not being okay. You don’t have to pretend it isn’t real or that it doesn’t hurt. Life is hard and you are tough but you were never meant to bend until you break. Allow yourself the freedom to say: today I am not okay. It doesn’t get better by ignoring it. It gets better by honoring it with the gift of healing.
You may be in the thick of it and you may not be okay today. But I promise one day you will be. We can sit here in our cacti tribe conference room and smell it up. I’m okay sitting with you. Remember, the hard things are never easy, my dear. You just keep learning what your spines are made of. And, oh how you will grow, if given a chance to sit in the stink, gather yourself, and refine your spine-self!
Natalie Blackmon, MS Degree in Human Development
Trauma Informed Yoga Instructor
Editor Credits: Becky Simmons
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